Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
