Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Randomize
