why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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