someone threw a dead crab at me
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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