I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
