i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
