A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
