Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
