This is not my ceiling
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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