i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
