when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
