I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
