Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
