i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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