She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
