I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
