I can text with my tongue
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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