Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
