You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?