drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.