there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
19 Characteristics That Make People Instantly Attractive
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
25 People Confess What They’re Shamefully Attracted To
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!