She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I still have a little drunk in my system
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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