Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
17 People Who Prepared For Spring Break The Right Way
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
21 Distraught People Found Out They Had An STD
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other