Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.