We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.