Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
The Olympian is in my bed
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
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