Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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