she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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