I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
