how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
