I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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