Umm I'm too high to move.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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