After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
