You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
