I just gift wrapped bread.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Randomize
