Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
