hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
