my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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