when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
