If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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