he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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