anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
