Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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