Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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