I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
