My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Ladies don't puke and tell
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
