Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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