i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
