Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
