please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
