i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
