So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Randomize
