Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
