girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
