I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
