The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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