apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
