I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
