why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
