Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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