Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
