Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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