.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
